This is a rush transcript of "Gutfeld!" on October 5, 2022. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Yes, here we go.

Happy Wednesday, everybody. Oh, we got a great show tonight. Right, Judge?

JEANINE PIRRO, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Terrific.

GUTFELD: Yes. Just checking to see if you're still here. All right.

The judge.

All right. So, here we go again. The Twitter spokesman confirms that Elon Musk has offered to buy the company again at his original price of $44 billion.

Apparently, Twitter threw in a set of nonstick pans, and that sealed the deal.

And of course, the media once again pulling out what's left of their hair. Cue the montage sow.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I hesitate to even ask, what could Elon Musk be thinking? That's a recipe for disaster.

MATT EGAN, REPORTER, CNN: He wants to remove some of the guardrails around free speech. What does that mean for misinformation? I don't know.

DON LEMON, HOST, CNN: I mean, more open to free speech. I think that's pretty much a haven for --

KARA SWISHER, CO-FOUNDER OF RECODE: Yes, I know. It's kind of a hot mess, isn't it?

LEMON: Yes.

CHRISTINE ROMANS, CHIEF BUSINESS CORRESPONDENT, CNN: He riffs. He changes his mind. Sometimes he trolls, I think. So, I don't know --

(CROSSTALK)

DONIE O'SULLIVAN, CORRESPONDENT, CNN: You think?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I don't know how he is going to run this company.

O'SULLIVAN: Have you ever been to a wedding where you're like there and you're like, oh, they really shouldn't be getting married.

ROMANS: Yes.

O'SULLIVAN: You know, this is not going to work out.

GUTFELD: I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon in your future. Was that mean?

PIRRO: Yes.

GUTFELD: Good.

Now, before Musk could tried to back out of the deal, claiming Twitter was not forthright about the number of spam accounts on the site, especially fake ones like, Everyone Loves Brian Kilmeade 2019.

Come on. Both sides were due in court in a few weeks to hash this out, but now Musk can own the company in days.

So, what if Elon Musk's purchase of Twitter upsets you? What does that say about you? Well, it means you're probably in the media, and you're probably a Democrat or even that you're just jealous he had $44 billion to spend, that's at least double what I have.

So, why is he a threat to the media? Well, it means that they'll waste even more time online than they already do, because those bots full of DNC talking points aren't going to forward themselves.

And unlike the media, Musk isn't moving in the direction of limiting speech, but increasing it. And why should that be scary? Does the media have a word allergy?

Seriously, unless you're Kamala Harris, isn't more speech a good thing? Yes.

See, we do clap for her. Very positive, balanced show.

But my guess is the only people upset about Musk are those who see their gravy train of lies about to end. They're like kids who had free rein of the house while the parents were away, and now the parents are coming home, so they'll spend the next week cleaning up the mess you and your friends made, and you'll probably have to rent one of those giant vacuums from the supermarket because Kat Timpf barfed in the living room.

KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Oh, what?

GUTFELD: Did I wake you? Anyway.

TIMPF: I'm freezing.

GUTFELD: OK. Good.

The media knows what they could lose with Musk. It's the freedom to amplify biased narratives to help their political allies, while also suffocating stories that might bolster your point of view.

We saw this with Russian collusion, the assorted race hoaxes, Jan. 6, oh, and, of course, Hunter Biden.

They feared that their nonsense might get drowned out by more nonsense or worse, actual truth. They must feel the same way my competition did when I showed up on the late night scene to drown out their left leaning stale garbage.

Oh, stop, stop. That was so gratuitous, shoehorning that in.

But if Twitter is truly the country's town square, then Elon buying Twitter is saving the country. As it stands now, Twitter re-purposes information into bite sized talking points for journalists who forgot how to think for themselves.

They are the drug supplier who's cutting the product with fentanyl, then supplying it to the masses through low level street dealers. So, Twitter exposes what we know to be true, but rarely admit. And it's not just our strange obsession with Larry Kudlow socks, it's worse.

It's that our opinions come from somewhere else, off an assembly line like brand new Nike's, except they're made by the left and their allies, not child laborers, who would do a much better job. Let's be honest.

If you're a reporter at CNN, which already shows poor judgment, and you can't figure out where to stand on something, Twitter makes it easy. It's the same way, McDonald's makes it easy when you can't decide what to eat. Sure, it's not the healthiest for you, but you know what you're getting, and you didn't have to cook.

So, opinions are pre-made, no thought necessary. If you talk a lot about crime, then Twitter will say such talk is racist. If you criticize our border policy, our open borders, will then that xenophobia. If you talk about COVID too much, well then that's just misinformation. If you talk about your kids' education sucking, well, then you're a domestic terrorist. If you question gender affirmation surgery, well, clearly you want trans- kids to die.

You see, this town square is more like a black hole where truth goes to die to be replaced by propaganda. It's less a conversation than it is a controlling mechanism against dissent. It is a town square and that it's just like Tiananmen Square.

And Musk is the dude standing in front of the tank.

Fact is, Elon is simply trying to fix Twitter. So, we can all participate as opposed to being shamed or silenced. I get plenty of that when I post bikini pics on Instagram. No filter either.

But here is the really huge truth, Elon owning Twitter is big because Twitter already owns the media. So, Musk buying Twitter means he just bought them too. Talk about truly owning the libs.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes!

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Yes!

GUTFELD: Yes.

ANNNOUNCER: Period!

GUTFELD: Let's welcome tonight's guests. Lefties unravel when she Bangs her gavel. That's out a dirty. Co-host to "THE FIVE", Judge Jeanine Pirro.

All right. He is frustrated more terrorists than a goat with a chastity belt.

Former military intelligence analysts and Fox News contributor, Brett Velicovich.

If she were any wider and thinner, she'd be covered in marinara sauce. Sounds like they want that.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Fox News contributor Kat Timpf.

And his shirt size has more x's than Kim Kardashian.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh!

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Oh!

GUTFELD: My massive sidekick and the NWA World Television Champion Tyrus.

TYRUS MURDOCH, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: (INAUDIBLE) middle finger.

TIMPF: Yes, I'm not. I might through (PH).

GUTFELD: Judge, what a rare pleasure it is to see you twice in one evening.

PIRRO: Yes. And within an hour.

GUTFELD: I know. They don't know that though.

PIRRO: Oh, they don't.

GUTFELD: Yes, you just blew the secret.

PIRRO: Yes, I did.

GUTFELD: It was lie.

PIRRO: I did. Oh.

GUTFELD: And you know what? I don't see you. I don't see you on Twitter. Do you tweet?

PIRRO: Rarely.

GUTFELD: Right.

PIRRO: But I do once in a while.

GUTFELD: Is that a decision by you or by management?

PIRRO: No, it's a decision by me, because I don't like the fact that there -- we don't know how many bots there are. So, I'm very careful and cautious about what I do.

But now that it's going to be the truly the public square. And now that Elon Musk is going to buy it, now that, you know, it's going to be open to free speech. I am more interested in being on it.

GUTFELD: What did you make of that dude, Ben Collins from NBC, tweeting that this could affect the midterms?

PIRRO: This is hypocrisy at its best, because when Twitter and all social media covered up everything having to do with Hunter Biden's laptop, they thought that, that was the right thing to do. And we know statistically that have a certain percentage of Americans heard about that it might have changed the election -- that would have changed the presidential election.

And now they are saying, oh my gosh. Oh no. They are going to have free speech. People can say whatever they want. What about misinformation?

These people are not familiar with the Constitution and free speech. They think that they should decide what you say and whether or not it should ever be out there for people to read.

These are the geniuses who brought us that the Mary Poppins with the misinformation board.

GUTFELD: Yes. Otherwise, known as scary Poppins, I believe, is her name.

PIRRO: Scary, right.

GUTFELD: Yes, we don't know where she is right now. Isn't that interesting?

PIRRO: No, no. She is cooking up some more misinformation.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.

Brett, welcome to the show. It's your first time.

BRETT VELICOVICH, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Thank you, sir.

GUTFELD: Yes, my pleasure.

VELICOVICH: Thank you very much.

GUTFELD: Hold on a second. You were only supposed to have attractive men.

VELICOVICH: For it all.

GUTFELD: Yes! That's a joke. Obviously, he's handsome. He is a handsome military veteran, you people.

VELICOVICH: Careful, my booze in the audience though -- watching.

GUTFELD: What do you think? What do you think about this deal? Do you think it goes through?

VELICOVICH: Yes. I mean, I think it definitely goes through. And I think any of these woke sensors at Twitter that were, you know, stopping these conservative voices should be fired. And I know they're definitely a bit afraid of.

GUTFELD: A lot of them --

VELICOVICH: And I will also say I definitely envy Elon Musk, he just seems to have this lifestyle of like zero F's constantly. And he just like does whatever he wants

And I will also say, I definitely envy Elon Musk. He just seems to have this lifestyle of like zero F's constantly, and he just like, does whatever he wants, you know, he's naming his children after drones. And he's going to take this Twitter, you know, this platform and turn it into what it -- what it should be.

And of course, like the Liberals are in this atomic meltdown right now, right? Where they no longer have a platform where they can censor conservatives, and that's the biggest issue with this. Is they're upset about that because they're going to be able to go and give free speech.

And so, these morons that are out there sitting there, trying to say this is a threat to democracy. This is a threat to freedom of speech. They don't -- they just -- they don't know what they're talking about. Right?

Because these are the same people that stopped President Trump, conservative voices, and really destroyed the free speech and these conservative democratic values that we all, you know, know.

GUTFELD: It's amazing how things have flipped. That used to be the right that were the speech police and the moral majority, and now it's the left.

Kat, you know what is driving me crazy?

TIMPF: What?

GUTFELD: I have -- I have like a little leak in my left eye.

TIMPF: That's been going on. That's been going on for months. Yes.

GUTFELD: It basically look like I'm always crying.

No, you know, what drives me crazy? Is the new hate speech, is misinformation. I -- every time I hear somebody talk about the necessity to curb misinformation, I believe they're saying, Greg, shut up.

TIMPF: Yes. Well, it's the same principle. The reason you're against hate speech laws is because the government gets to decide what hate speech is. And the reason you're against misinformation laws is that the government gets to decide what misinformation is.

It's the exact same thing. You shouldn't want the government to have any impact on it at all.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: So, make sense.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Yes. Sorry about your eye.

GUTFELD: No, it's OK.

TIMPF: No, no.

GUTFELD: Do you have any other opinions?

TIMPF: Yes, I just think it's -- a lot of criticism is happening because everyone's melting down. But I love a good meltdown.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And I'm being completely serious. Because a meltdown is we have them for a reason as humans, because they show you whatever you're melting down about is something that you value, that's very important to you. And that's also a chance for you to kind of take a step back and be like, is my -- what am I putting into this really worth what I'm getting out? Because at the end of the day, you have to remember this is a web site.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: So, maybe, relax.

GUTFELD: But, you know what, the people that are melting down, Tyrus, are the people who actually should need Twitter. OK.

TIMPF: Right.

GUTFELD: So, the people aren't like -- what is it? Like 99 percent of America is not on Twitter? It's like crazy.

TIMPF: (INAUDIBLE)

MURDOCH: Yes.

GUTFELD: So, the only people that are on Twitter are people like us who are already have a bullhorn. We already have it. And yet, it's like, the media needs to have this other outlet. They need to control it, when in fact, that is actually for people that are on T.V. Right?

MURDOCH: Well, what Twitter is for a lot of people is it's their mirror. That shows how popular they are. How great they are, like when they say something pithy --

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: You know, and everyone tells them how smart they are. It's their little mirror, the little thing. And now, Musk is going to come in and take away the mirror. And there might be people in there who say like, we fact check that, and that's not accurate.

And that is going to affect elections, Greg.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: You're not going to be able to just go out and just make some stuff up and have somebody back you up.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes!

MURDOCH: It just going to completely screw up this whole thing. What do you expect? Everyone just to know what's going on? No, we have to be there. What is Don Lemon going to do? The next time an English woman with good history comes along and tweet something.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: He had block her, put misinformation. Greg, you know, thinking this thing through?

GUTFELD: Yes, you know what, no one takes a mirror.

MURDOCH: Oh, the whole point of being woke is not to be answered back.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: You just say stuff. And everyone goes, sorry, I'm racist.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: So, now, they are -- now, they are in huge trouble. And my favorite part was listened to the employees talking about what they're going to do when he's get there.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: I think the best thing to do is to pack.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Because he -- this billionaire actually lives in real world problems. So, you're first world problems and means, your name will be the top of the layoff. So, dress warm.

GUTFELD: I've never been around people who claim they're going to quit, who actually quit.

PIRRO: Who actually quit.

GUTFELD: They --

(CROSSTALK)

MURDOCH: They're always fired.

GUTFELD: They're always fired.

MURDOCH: And shocked when they're fired, but I can't believe this.

GUTFELD: No, but yes. No, that she would also, it will be, let's say somebody else decides that they're going to follow the Jerry Maguire moment.

VELICOVICH: Yes.

GUTFELD: And then, but the Jerry Maguire doesn't do it. And it's like, wait a minute, but you said you're going to quit. Yes, but you know what? I got --

MURDOCH: Because I was on a chat line.

GUTFELD: Yes, I was on the chat. And I -- you know, I got really good insurance. You know?

MURDOCH: Yes, no.

GUTFELD: If you say you're going to quit, quit. You won't be missed. But you jerks, who am I talking to? All right.

Up next, Chicago's mayor sings a Diddy while thugs kill everyone in her city.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Welcome back. She sang karaoke while Chicago residents try not to croaky. Yes, it's pretty good.

I speak of Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot.

Oh, come on, she is adorable. Seen here after a meeting with the Riddler. We're going to talk about her. All right. Yes, I'll take it. I'm desperate for collapse.

Anyway, she dropped this video.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

LORI LIGHTFOOT, MAYOR OF CHICAGO, ILLINOIS: Come on. Oh, baby, don't you want to go? Come on -- come on. My baby don't you want to go?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I think in that span of that video, two people were shot to dead in Chicago. And they were grateful.

She turns -- it so turns out, she's literally and figuratively tone deaf, probably from all the gunshots. She should include that video in Chicago's assault statistics.

Anyway, it's to promote a citywide karaoke contest in Chicago that lasts a month. Talking about a way to find talent. Hey, who here thinks they can dodge bullets and sing at the same time?

But I guess they hope the music will drown out the victim's screams. Since while she has been making these videos, there is been 522 murders in Chicago this year. Although, some, of course, were self-inflicted by people who heard her sing.

Now, let's compare it to a leader who knows how to call out criminals.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GOV. RON DESANTIS (R-FL): If I could, you know, I would take those three looters. I drag them out by the collars, and I'd send them back to where they came from.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes!

GUTFELD: No, no, no. You people are so insensitive. Looters have feelings too. But at least someone gets it. And like New York Governor Kathy Hochul.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GOV. KATHY HOCHUL (D-NY): New York City is still the safest big city in America.

Look at Chicago, look at San Francisco, look at Los Angeles, Atlanta, and Washington. People leaving New York, I do not sure they're going to go because we are the safest big city in America.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Where are they going to go? Bragging that New York is safer than Chicago? That's like saying son of Sam killed fewer people than John Wayne Gacy.

I mean, congrats on being safer compared to those formerly great cities, because they're also led by Democrats who've turned them into violent dumpster fires.

And where are they going to go if not New York? Oh, don't go upstate either. Dad visiting his kid during a family weekend at Marist College was shot and killed by a stray bullet during a fight between two scum balls out on parole.

When he was a key suspect in a recent murder case, who's been free for months. But the bad news for that guy is, this new murder could earn him a lot more parole.

So, Tyrus, I have a theory. Would you like to hear my theory?

MURDOCH: I believe you're the host. So, yes.

GUTFELD: Yes.

The reason why Lori Lightfoot survives being -- despite being the worst mayor since, I don't know, Dick de Blasio. Is that his name, Dick?

She protects herself with the punching down defense. If you criticize her, it's because she's black, or because she's a lesbian, or because she dresses like a movie usher.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: You know? Don't you dare criticize her just because she looks like, you know, she just took a break from a haunted house?

MURDOCH: Right.

GUTFELD: Because if you say that, you're punching down. And therefore, no one punches at all.

MURDOCH: Exactly.

GUTFELD: So, she gets -- nobody criticizes her.

MURDOCH: Well, I think a lot of people who just check boxes, and don't check resumes have been able to get away with that for a long time. But we've seen a change, and I always go --

It --and It's always one thing that sparks an awakening. And that really goes back for me was that little English lady who taught the lesson about slavery to Don Lemon.

Because within days of that, we had The Squad attacking CEOs. And they were like, no, that's a stupid idea. And I was like, it see, it just takes one thing to start.

So, she is now, first of all, lip synching is not a talent. I don't care how you do it, or how many T.V.s. You are not talented going like this. That's not a talent. It's not a talent. It's something your kids do when they don't have talent.

So, it's frustrating to me. But again, I think her days of hiding behind those blockers are over, because now they are saying, yes, you may be all those things, but we have 500 people dying. We have our streets aren't safe. So, maybe we need to go in another direction.

So, I think that little facade people are seeing through that wizard stuff in there. Now, we are checking resumes now, and she is in trouble.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: I, although --

MURDOCH: The only she survives this in this election. I really don't.

GUTFELD: I don't know how she could survive. Given the state of Chicago. Brett, you live in Texas, am I right?

VELICOVICH: Yes.

GUTFELD: So, you came to this country? America?

VELICOVICH: America is right.

GUTFELD: Yes. But would you feel safe in New York?

VELICOVICH: It's definitely more dangerous here than Ukraine, which I just got back from.

GUTFELD: That's true.

VELICOVICH: So, and that --

GUTFELD: I wondered, statistically, if that is true.

VELICOVICH: I believe it is.

GUTFELD: Yes.

VELICOVICH: At least there, you know, where the rockets are coming from, like, you know, you're not going to get mugged in the street. Like, you know, like, the enemies are right there on the front lines.

But look, this video, this isn't the only one that she's done. Right? She's done a lot of dance moves and things like that.

GUTFELD: Right.

VELICOVICH: Which is the real crime, we got to stop that first.

GUTFELD: Yes.

VELICOVICH: All right? There's definitely a situation where she might be getting somebody killed in that case. But look, this is the reason why law enforcement votes Republican, right? For situations like this. Because they're making a mockery of this.

And when people think about their government and these offices and the City Councils, you like to think when you appear behind the scenes that they're doing the right thing that they're trying to fight crime, we've got, you know, one of the largest rising crime rates in history.

And then you see these TikTok videos, and she is dancing and singing and you get to appear into that government office, and you realize they're not doing anything that you thought they were.

GUTFELD: Yes.

VELICOVICH: They're not stopping some of the most -- the biggest problems of this country.

GUTFELD: It's in -- it's actually, it's so infuriating that, Judge, that -- I find it very strange how ambivalent in a weird way, we've all be -- we've become numb.

PIRRO: Yes, we're --

GUTFELD: Not necessarily ambivalent, but numb in the sense that I can't be angry all the time, right?

PIRRO: It's called --

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: I mean, you can.

PIRRO: Yes. No, (INAUDIBLE).

GUTFELD: But, I'm yes, I -- it's exhausting.

PIRRO: No. Yes, it is exhausting, but we've become desensitized to the crime that is occurring. Whether it's Lori Lightfoot saying, when all the CEOs are moving out of Chicago, whether it's McDonald's or Boeing, or whatever those companies are, she says, but we're making progress.

This other woman here, Hochul, who wants to be a governor says that New York is one of the safest -- is the safest big city in America. Has she ever been on the subway? Has she ever walked to get a cup of coffee? Has she ever been in a bodega?

I mean, people are dying left and right in this country. And it's because of the left wing ideology, which is we need social justice. I don't know what that is. I don't know if you know what it is. There is no definition anywhere.

But all it means is like everybody out of jail. And if you -- if you have to pay for it, like a father at a college, visiting his son, then so be it. That guy who killed him was wanted in Georgia. He was a suspect in a murder in Dutchess County that the police knew about.

His name was already in a national database. They could have arrested him before he killed the father. I mean, we're in hell, right now.

GUTFELD: These are all prevented. Like, all of these crimes are preventable.

PIRRO: All could be prevented.

GUTFELD: That's the amazing thing.

Kat, what do you make of this? What -- first, what were your thoughts on her karaoke style?

TIMPF: I don't think it was that bad.

GUTFELD: No.

TIMPF: No, just maybe because I'm so much worse. But, I don't know. I am upset at Kathy Hochul because there's a big difference also between New York and Chicago in terms of how much it costs to live there.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: Like, New York is number one most expensive city in the country. Chicago is not even on the top 10.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: So, and then you talk about New York or L.A., San Francisco, like it's pretty expensive, not as expensive as New York, but like it's not freezing so much that you want to die for like eight to 10 months out of the year. So, that's that going for it.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: And when you get to the point where the city is so bad that your new slogan is like, New York City, at least we're not Chicago.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Yes. I think someone else needs to be in charge.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Yes. I don't think you should be allowed to be governor if you don't know that there is more than six states.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Yes.

PIRRO: Yes.

TIMPF: Yes.

MURDOCH: There is nowhere else to go, because Florida, Texas --

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: Yes.

MURDOCH: Alabama, Montana, Idaho. No, no, no, there is only -- there is only these blue states to go.

(CROSSTALK)

VELICOVICH: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes, Where do you got to go?

MURDOCH: If it's not blue. It's gone.

PIRRO: Yes.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Like, she --

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: She is dumb.

TIMPF: Yes.

MURDOCH: Yes. I mean --

GUTFELD: She is -- I mean, she is so dumb.

MURDOCH: Am I the only one notice that?

GUTFELD: No. But you know what's amazing is like, I thought, no -- I like - - Andrew Cuomo a CAD, we know at a-hole. But --

(CROSSTALK)

VELICOVICH: This one's a (INAUDIBLE).

MURDOCH: She didn't know the states.

GUTFELD: Yes. The dumbest -- she is the dumbest person in the --

PIRRO: Yes.

GUTFELD: She, like -- Bill de Blasio leaves, and they replaced. I mean, he was a woman, but I mean like, where do they find these people?

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: I get like, I'm not even talking politically. I'm not talking politically.

PIRRO: Yes, yes.

GUTFELD: These are just really, there's something wrong. They missed -- they missed like something.

PIRRO: Yes.

GUTFELD: Did they dropped his children.

MURDOCH: I mean, she couldn't -- she couldn't said New Jersey.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Or Boston.

TIMPF: Yes.

PIRRO: I could not --

TIMPF: Yes, there is like several states pretty close to this one.

MURDOCH: They just around her.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: God, Jesus. It's just so frustrating. We, you know, I'm telling you, I got to go, they're yelling me. You cannot -- when you're at the mercy of stupid people --

PIRRO: Yes.

GUTFELD: It's the worst feeling in the world. Like, if I'm being mugged by someone smarter than me, I can handle it.

But when you're being mugged by dumb people, it -- drives you crazy.

GUTFELD: All right.

MURDOCH: Because you got to talk them through it.

GUTFELD: You got to talk to them through that my wallet is over here.

PIRRO: Yes.

GUTFELD: Up next, spoil your pooch, where humans live on crack, meth, and hooch.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Welcome back. As California goes to hell, at least furry friends are eating well. It's true dogs eat fine cuisine, while San Fran becomes an outdoor (INAUDIBLE). A luxury dining restaurant for dogs called, Dogue. D- O-G-U-E. I guess it only works if you read it. Anyway, Dogue --

PIRRO: Dogue.

GUTFELD: Dogue.

PIRRO: Like Vogue.

GUTFELD: Oh, like Vogue. OK. Dogue. Thanks, Judge. That's why you're here. My co-panelist just let me twist in the wind. All right, Dogue, opened last week in the crime-ridden drug addicted progressive post-apocalyptic, Babylon of disease, destruction and doom and death known as San Francisco. That's actually their motto. Well, now we know at least the (BLEEP) streets won't all be from humans. Its canine cuisine prepared in the classic French style, which I mean, which I believe means the entrees are served by a smelly mime. That was a courtesy laugh.

Writes a food reporter it's unsurprising that what is likely the country's first dog restaurant opened in San Francisco, where dogs reportedly outnumber children and pet owners can join members only vet clinics with high end perks like genetic testing. The restaurant serves elegant pastries, rose-shaped cakes, and doggo-chinos during the week, and a $75.03 three-course tasting menu on Sundays. The most popular flavor -- ass.

It's true, Judge, they love it. They love to sniff a good ass. By the way, you don't even -- you can't even bleep that because it's a biological fact. Bleeping effects -- Kat, you have a cat and a dog, is this disgusting?

TIMPF: Yes, especially, it's like my dog's favorite restaurant is like the sidewalk, like, they don't care -- I mean, like he's eaten things that were expensive, but it's it wasn't the food itself, it was the resulting medical situation. The most expensive thing he ate was the contents of the cat's litter box, actually. Yes, yes, you -- I lived it.

GUTFELD: Yes. Dana's dog, the most expensive veterinarian visits because he eats like a joint in Central Park.

TIMPF: Yes, yes. They don't, my dog --

MURDOCH: In Central Park, you believe that?

TIMPF: Yes. True.

GUTFELD: You know, Brett, I watch a lot of dystopian movies. I think that the perfect example of his dystopian movie is when you have extreme poverty and then absurd wealth. Not just everybody's poor, but you have people outside, they're really poor. And then you have these rich people feeding their dogs at dinner tables. San Francisco is legitimately now a dystopian universe, right?

VELICOVICH: It sounds, this sounds really epic. I'd love to see that, but does anyone ever asked like the dogs themselves about this food and like, get their thoughts because I really want to hear the analysis on whether or not a dog prefers like a (INAUDIBLE) or some fine meat versus like a sausage that just fell off onto the ground.

GUTFELD: Right?

VELICOVICH: You know what I mean?

GUTFELD: That's how the restaurant should be. They shouldn't even have waiters. It should just be stuff that drops.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Because that's what they love.

VELICOVICH: Yes, well, they're going to serve potable, like water, right?

TIMPF: We already have that. It's called Russia.

GUTFELD: Potable water.

VELICOVICH: Potable water.

GUTFELD: Like that'd be a bar, the bar would just be a big toilet bowl.

VELICOVICH: Yes, that'd be cool.

GUTFELD: I think there's a bar downtown like that. Judge, of course, you are a huge dog fan, meaning you like huge dogs.

PIRRO: Yes, I have three standard poodles.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PIRRO: And they, they -- I would never consider anything like this. It's terrible. It really is. What they do, but one of the things they do, they run out in the morning, they get crazy in the morning, and they run out and they sniff for chipmunks. That's all they do. They're looking for chipmunks all the time. So, then, what I have to do is I have to build up a barrier so they can't get the chipmunks because they go out and then they kill the chipmunks. And you know, once there was a mother, I think, that was dead, and the little babies came out and looked and then they ran back. I almost killed my dogs.

GUTFELD: Wow.

PIRRO: Yes, that's it.

GUTFELD: I think that's the kind of story you say for "FOX AND FRIENDS." And then, the babies found the dead mother. What do you think Ainsley? I think this is a good time to say a prayer. Joining us, joining us is father -- oh, wait, he's no longer a priest. I don't even know who I'm talking about. Tyrus.

PIRRO: You stop it.

MURDOCH: I don't have a lifeline, bro, sorry you're drowning.

GUTFELD: Worst job in the world, a waiter at a dog restaurant.

MURDOCH: Oh, that's the best job in the world.

GUTFELD: Well, you're not dealing --

PIRRO: He like dogs.

MURDOCH: Because you're deal -- it has nothing to do with dogs. The dogs are just victims in these first world (BLEEP) problems. It's for some lady to walk in and show how much she loves animals and how much she loves dogs and she feeds her dogs this stuff but then will straight up walk over a homeless person with her dog to get into her Uber and go home. But when she walks in there -- and if I was the waiter there, I'd be like, what is that? Oh, he wants the most expensive things, and 40 percent tip? Oh, I love this dog. And she would have to because she's virtuous or he, or him, or it, or the, or whomever? No matter who they are. They're a pompous ass and has nothing to do with a dog.

TIMPF: Also, they're all just going to bark at each other.

MURDOCH: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: It's going to be the worst place to be.

PIRRO: Yes, they sniff, they sniff each other in the ass.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, that's what I'm saying, the appetizer's ass.

PIRRO: Yes, that's what they do.

GUTFELD: Yes, OK, I know (INAUDIBLE) going, Greg, that's dirty. But you know what we're talking about dogs and dogs are dirty. So, you know what's going on in your house. So, don't look at me. Look at yourself. I don't even know who I'm arguing with anymore. Coming up, he unretired so his wife said you're fired.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: I love this. I'm doing a show here, Judge. He wouldn't give up the sport, so she said see you in court. Yes, Gisele said take a hike to the guy who usually takes the hike. See what I did there? That's why I'm sitting here. Page Six, the number one news source between pages five and seven, has reported that Tom Brady and Gisele are headed for divorce, and a lot of people have expressed feelings of sadness, disbelief, and nausea, what medical experts call the Kilmeade effect. Personally, I'd like to focus on something more important, this.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Whose fault is it? I want to know.

GUTFELD: Time to point some fingers. Inside sources told Page Six that the couple had already been living separately for months and that the final straw was Brady agreeing to play another season of football. Gisele herself has repeatedly said in interviews that she has given up her own career, whatever that is, to focus on supporting top and raising their family and that she's excited for him to retire so she can focus once again on her long-term goal which is getting back together with Leo DiCaprio. Some of Page Six's sources also said that the issues in their marriage go beyond just Brady's decision to play football, which I assume include arguments about who's prettier. But it's true when they are seamed together both rarely seem to be jovial, like this picture here. Brett, who's side are you on in this?

VELICOVICH: I'm on Gisele's side on this one.

GUTFELD: Why, because you're sitting next to judge?

MURDOCH: Or his boos in the audience.

VELICOVICH: Boos in the audience. Look, I mean, she's obviously pissed. He chose to continue to play. She left in 2015 the runway, you know, she left everything behind to be with her family. She probably wanted the same thing from him. And he said, no, I'm going back out and, and it's tough to give up something you love. I mean, it is and she's probably asking him to do that. He knows he's got a few more years left that he can give and so, so why not give it a go? But yes, I'm in her court on this one. But I do want -- I can't wait to see --

GUTFELD: You're making a play for her, you disgusting person.

VELICOVICH: I can't wait to see Brady on the single scene again, though. Could you imagine being like a wing man with him like going to a nightclub or a bar and him just rolling in and just like single and ready to mingle?

GUTFELD: Well, you know, that's funny, you should bring that up because him and I are both -- went to the same high school and I'm sure he's going to need a wing man. I'll be busy because you know, I'm happily married, Judge, as you know, right?

PIRRO: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes. Just say yes.

PIRRO: Yes.

GUTFELD: We had a heated conversation on "THE FIVE" today. You are also on the side of Gisele, you claim that she might have a career.

PIRRO: She absolutely gave up her career. She was a superstar model.

GUTFELD: You said she was suffering.

PIRRO: I'm sorry?

GUTFELD: You said she was suffering.

PIRRO: What, wait a minute, what she was living through his football career. That means he gets up at 5:30 in the morning and goes to bed at 8:30 at night. He has all these crazy diet requirements. She's with the kids all day long while he's practicing.

GUTFELD: That's called being a wife.

PIRRO: No, but no -- well, wait a minute.

GUTFELD: A sexist would say. A sexist would say that you're absolutely right.

PIRRO: That was terrible. And, and she's helping to raise his child with another woman, right?

GUTFELD: He's a lesbian?

PIRRO: No, and you know what she's worth more than he is right now. So, let's you know, it's our turn. At the end of it. He said he was retiring, and he took it back.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Oh, Kat.

TIMPF: It's the worst part. It's everyone's like, oh, she's mad at him because he's going to keep playing football. That's not what happened. He said, I'm going to retire to spend time with my family. Then he spent two months with his family, and he's like, no, no, I'm going back.

GUTFELD: I'd rather miss brain damage.

TIMPF: I would be so offended and I'm like, not even like that hot. And like, OK, she just has no husband from August to February. Like that is ridiculous. Football season is too long for me. I get upset about how long it is because other people want to watch it and I don't want to watch it. And I imagine it's just a little bit more inconvenient for her. I think it's awful. And I think this should be a lesson to women everywhere to never ever move to Tampa for a man.

GUTFELD: I think, Tyrus, I am going to agree with whatever you say.

MURDOCH: Yes, poor Gisele. mopping floors and raising the children by herself. Because she didn't have a staff and nannies personal assistants and a private jet to fly to all the games and practices and meet every rich person on the planet. Shut up.

TIMPF: And that's the exact total attitude, which is --

MURDOCH: He wanted to go back -- it's my time.

TIMPF: That's fine but you're wrong.

MURDOCH: This is the only time.

TIMPF: You're so wrong.

MURDOCH: The only time he wanted to go back and play football, for what? Two more years. So, what, you would get to travel the world again then it was her idea to Tampa.

PIRRO: She wants to work. She's a superstar.

MURDOCH: She's the one who got involved and Mayhem and (INAUDIBLE) blow up she was Yoko Ono?

PIRRO: Well then you know what --

TIMPF: He's 35 years old.

MURDOCH: And has every right to keep playing when he's throwing 300 yards and three touchdowns --

TIMPF: I think most people, I think most people want more for themselves than a partner that they never (BLEEP) see.

MURDOCH: She's rich. She'll be fine.

TIMPF: No, no that's not true.

PIRRO: No, she is a family person. She loves him --

MURDOCH: They're getting a divorce.

PIRRO: She loves those kids. He didn't give her a choice.

GUTFELD: By the way, I got to wrap this up, but you know what's the unspeakable truth here? Only rich people can get divorced. Poor people are stuck with each other because they can't afford it.

MURDOCH: Exactly.

GUTFELD: Nobody ever talks about that, right? You don't see.

MURDOCH: They haven't been living together in a year.

GUTFELD: Yes. This is just, this is a business transaction. Meanwhile, poor people, they're stuck with each other because they don't have the options, but nobody ever says that.

VELICOVICH: So upset?

GUTFELD: Up next, would you make revisions to your worst life decisions?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: "A STORY IN FIVE WORDS."

GUTFELD: Five words: people make for life mistakes. Brett, a poll finds that the average person has made four wrong major decisions in their lives from bad investments to career changes. What about you? Does this make sense?

VELICOVICH: They obviously didn't contact me about this poll because I would have weighed it down for sure in the opposite direction and then if it was only four, what about like, who is the guy that made no mistake? Who was the zero part of that, because I want to hang out with them.

GUTFELD: Yes.

VELICOVICH: I just want to go through life with this person.

GUTFELD: And then, I would strangle them, Judge.

PIRRO: That would be a mistake.

GUTFELD: It would, it would. That's the thing, that's how I look at mistakes. That's how -- I don't look at career changes as a mistake, I look at -- like, let's play with my dad's power tools, and lost couple of eyes.

PIRRO: A couple eyes?

GUTFELD: A couple eyes.

PIRRO: How many do you have?

MURDOCH: You could have said all your eyes.

GUTFELD: All your eyes.

PIRRO: No.

GUTFELD: I won't tell you where the other one is, but the view is amazing. Yes, you don't have an answer.

PIRRO: So, what's the, what's the question?

GUTFELD: There is no question.

PIRRO: OK. On to the next.

GUTFELD: Kat.

TIMPF: I think if you're sitting around counting your mistakes all day, that's probably another mistake. Who, who knows how many mistakes you've made?

GUTFELD: Well, that's what I think. I think that mistakes has to be defined, Tyrus, as a -- one that has a lasting consequence. Everybody, like a mistake can actually help you like if you choose a bad job that it steers you into a good job because you learned that you didn't like that job. But elastic like, again, I use the power tool analogy like that, I kind of wish I didn't play with my dad's power tools, then I would have both my eyes.

MURDOCH: Yes, I make on average four mistakes a day.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: So, this is, this is stupid. This is another one of those, we're getting funding for this kind of study. The average person makes four mistakes a day -- four.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Four. Sometimes I put one shoe on the runway, because I'm not paying attention. Does that count as one?

GUTFELD: I've done that.

MURDOCH: I mean --

GUTFELD: All the way to work.

MURDOCH: Sometimes, you know, I call my kids one of the wrong names. There's another one. I got a lot. So, I get confused sometimes.

GUTFELD: I think the, I think the summary of this segment is I wish we could have talked more about Tom and Gisele. This is just a waste of my time.

MURDOCH: So, this was a mistaken then.

GUTFELD: This is a mistake. Don't go away. We'll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: What a great show. We're out of time. Judge Jeanine, Brett Velicovich -- good job, Velicovich -- Kat Timpf, Tyrus, our studio audience. "FOX NEWS @ NIGHT" with Dreamy Trace Gallagher is next. I'm Greg Gutfeld and I love you America.

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